Wonderings: Part 1

Wonderings: Part 1




Football Fans-
Why in the world would someone come to a football game not dressed in the proper attire? No, you do not need to have your chest painted or a team shirt on, but, come on, at least wear the right color. Red or black. Very common colors. It is not like we are baby blue and lavender or something. Certainly you have something that is red or black in your closet. Oh, you are not really that into football.....then don't come to the game. Trust me I would not be there if I were not into football. Or if it did not determine my livelihood. Plus, what if you wear the color of the other team? Like the lady in purple last night when the other team was purple. Seriously? What were you thinking? I wonder.

Tights-
Why do you think that little girls tights stop the patterns a good foot or more from the top? I mean we all know how hard it is for tights to stay up, especially when their owners are running and dancing about. We have the cutest pairs of polka dot, striped, argyle, and a variety of other tights. Yet they all turn plain half way up. Meaning that the little munchkins' mama must constantly pull up their tights so that the plain part does not hang below the dress or skirt. Certainly, they are designed by someone who has never had little girls that wear said tights. Otherwise, they certainly would have designed the patterns to continue all the way up. Does it really cost that much more to continue the pattern another foot? What were these people thinking? I wonder.

Wanna Be Disciplinarians-
Have you ever been in a store or in some other public location and see a child misbehaving? Now, I know how I would handle this. As quietly as possible in order to not draw any more attention to myself and my misbehaving munchkin. Please know that I would not allow said munchkin to continue to misbehave. However there are people with a very different philosophy. These are the people who discipline as loudly as possible in order to draw all attention to them. And the things they are saying...."Boy, get your a@# in this cart"...."do you want me to jerk you up"....." I am going to back hand you". I have three theories:
1. They want us to call DFACS on them because they are in fact tired of being parents and would like a short break from their children while they are placed in foster care for a little while.
2. They want everyone to think they are excellent parents. Clearly they are confused. Excellent parenting does not involve screaming at, beating, or belittling your child in public.
3. They have just lost it. As we all sometimes do. But I don't think this is the issue in most cases at the Wal-Mart.
What are they thinking? And why do they keep having children? And can they get any louder? I wonder.

Good times! Good times.

Disclaimer: Not sure if you want to read this if you are a man, but maybe you should so you can see what we women must go through. 

So today was my fabulous appointment with my gyno. You know the one I am talking about. The one where you have taken more time to prune and clip than you did on your wedding night. The one where you actually take the time to paint your toe nails since they will be on display in those oh so lovely stirrups. The one for which you tirelessly shave your stubbled legs (which is now a gymnastic feat what with this ever growing belly)  that may not have been shaved for days upon days, yet as soon as you take your clothes of become immediately stubbled again. The one where you feel like all of your goodies are on display for all of the world to see even if that world is only one person with some scary instruments and thankfully some Vaseline. 

Now this event is not pleasant for any woman, but it is especially not pleasant for a pregnant woman. I mean our bodies are already doing all kinds of crazy and many times disgusting things. And now all of that will happen with someone's face mere inches away from Ground Zero. The thought is paralyzing, and if it is for me I can only imagine what it is like for my Gyno.

But I arrived today ready and willing to have my "area" invaded and my mounds prodded. Part of it was ...I mean, whatcha gonna do? Run away screaming? I think that is frowned upon. Plus, the gown doesn't close in the back and that would lead to a-whole-nother embarrassing experience. The other part was that my midwife is the most fabulously cool chick that has ever existed and makes the whole experience feel like we're at a bar having some drinks and chatting about our lives.

Ahhh....that is how they could improve this whole unpleasantness....offer drinks. I can see it now "Pap Smears and Pina Coladas" or "Scraped with Schnapps". You could even go for "Mammograms and Martinis". I really think someone should run with this. It is GOLD!

Other improvements for any office that performs these extremely uncomfortable procedures:

1. Turn up the heat-hello we are naked!

2. Cloth dressing gowns-not only are they better for the environment, but they are better for my ego, too! Nothing depresses a pregnant woman more than putting on a gown only to have it instantly rip in all the wrong places. I get that I have gained weight there is no reason to make it worse.

3. Provide some form of distraction-not elevator music, but a TV on the ceiling or better yet pictures of Edward and Jacob gazing down at me.  Oh how I wish someone would bite me.....wait a minute, that is for another blog.

4. Bikini Waxes- If we are already naked and already extremely exposed and uncomfortable why not throw in a bonus service "Free Wax with Scraping".

All in all in was not that bad of an experience thanks to my super awesome midwife and nurses. I just think that men should have to go through the same thing. Having someone grab your manhood while you cough is not the same at all. Really all I can say is ....Good Times! Good times.

Being Cold Has A Whole New Meaning

First of all,  let me comment on the weather. Wow! It was cold last night. It was especially cold to anyone who happened to be sitting at a high school football game. I know it was "perfect football weather". But I really do not enjoy being cold. Plus, the main problem I have is...Where the heck is fall? We went from 90 weather on Monday to 58 degree weather today. Fall is my most favorite season, and I feel jipped (not really sure how to spell that but you get my point). 


So needless to say since I did not have a buffer into the cold, i.e. the Season of Fall, I was not prepared for how freaking cold it was. I know my northern friends are like "really 45 degrees is not cold". Ummm...yes it is! 


Now I tried to prepare. I put on Cuddle Duds and the girls changed into leggings in a, thankfully, clean Loco's bathroom. (Thankfully clean, because we appear to not be able to change clothes without plopping our cute little bottoms on the floor). We each had 2 shirts on and coats. Hats were also donned. Although, I had no hats for the munchkins so their heads appeared to be swallowed by fleece. 


So we are all as bundled up as we are going to get, and we finally sit down after quite a hike through the Americus-Sumter Stadium. This is the point where the cold gets bone chillings as my bottom graces the freezing cold bleacher. Did I mention, I hate being cold. Fortunately for me, there was a very large man sitting in front of me who blocked most of the wind. It was still cold, but  when you are a mama "being cold has a whole new meaning". 


It doesn't matter how cold you are you must sacrifice your warmth, and comfort for that matter, to warm your tiny humans. So through out the entire 3 hour game a munchkin snuggled in my lap. This was quite warm and comfy for about the first 5 minutes and then my back started hurting, my legs went to sleep, and my butt became numb. And so it went for the next 2 hours and 55 minutes, which was so long because apparently the lights at the field got cold too, so they froze up and stopped working putting a delay on the game for a little cold and uncomfortable while. 


However one thing was for certain, I was not cold! Uncomfortable, yes, but cold...not so much. At least not until, something attracted the munchkin away from me and exposed my lap to the frigidness. So apparently, when your a mama being cold has a whole new meannig....it is now also known as... uncomfortable. But I would sacrifice all my comfort and warmth, for that matter, for these cute little munchkins any day! Just next week, we will be much more prepared!