Instruction Manual Please!!

We are now officially the parents of three little girls. I say officially, because the other day we received our insurance card declaring Alden Randi Hill as part of the Hill family, which is positive seeing as around that same time we received a bill from the hospital for her care, all $926 worth! Luckily the insurance had not been applied yet because at the time she was not "really" part of our family.

Anyway, I was thinking...there is something more imperative than an insurance card that I would like to receive in the mail. How about an instruction manual? Instructions come with everything these days: TV's, blenders, Campbell's soups, heck toothbrushes even have instructions. So why not kids?

It would be extremely helpful. And could go something like this:

Congratulations! You are the proud owner of a new baby girl. Please read the instructions thoroughly before beginning to interact with model #3354. In order to begin, pick model up and cradle in arms remembering to support head. This model enjoys being held upright with belly pressing against your chest. Breast milk may be attempted but eventually she will not like it and you will need to go to formula. You can switch formula all you want but this is a state of the art model and will require the most expensive formula known to man! Please know that this is a particularly finicky model and must be burped every ounce of bottle, not half way through like other models. When sleeping, this model must be propped up, either in a car seat, with towels placed under mattress, or in a Nap Nanny (sold separately). You are one of the lucky owners of a model that does enjoy a pacifier but only if you jiggle it in her mouth just the right way for several minutes. Beware this model is known to have explosive bowel movements and projectile vomit both of which can be washed out of clothes when treated with Zout (also sold separately).

I think that a instruction manual would be quite beneficial and keep many new parents from going completely bonkers and wanting to return (if only figuratively) their model to the store claiming that it is defective. If printing an instruction manual for every model of newborn is not feasible due to the need to conserve paper and therefore save the Earth, then at least they should come out with a tag attached with care instructions much like a t-shirt! At any rate, What to Expect the First Year and Google is not enough, I need an Instruction Manual Please especially geared to my infant!!! Thank you very much. I will be waiting by my driveway for UPS to deliver it.

Stupid Extreme Couponing

I am not sure whether you know this or not but I am really into couponing. When I say me, I mean our whole family. My children are trained to look for coupons everywhere: in their cereal boxes, on a wrapper, and especially at the store where they will bowl old ladies over to pull the coupons from the Blinkies. And my husband is surpassing me on deal finding and coupon combining. 


A friend and I are even writing a book about couponing secrets. Of course the book is on hold because, like anything else, we got all pumped about it last year and then other things came up like school, munchkins, college classes, a new business venture, a new baby...basically...LIFE. 


Anyway, when I saw the new show on TLC called Extreme Couponing, I was excited. I could not wait to see how other people did it and learn from "the pros" how to capitalize on my savings. However, after watching the first episode where that woman bought 75 mustards I had a strong sense of dark foreboding. Not only was the show letting everyone in on the secrets (a good thing) it was also showing stores how much money they could be potentially losing (not a good thing). I mean that lady had a total of around $675 and after coupons only paid around $6.





What has now resulted is a total "revamp" of most stores coupon policies...BLAST YOU EXTREME COUPONING.


Let me give you an example. At Publix a box of Cheerios is $4.00. If there is a Buy One Get One deal (a.k.a. BOGO) deal, you can get 2 boxes of Cheerios at $2 each. Then lets say you have a coupon for $1 off of 2. That takes the total for each box down to $1.50. Then you have a Target, Harveys, Dollar General, Family Dollar, Walgreens, Food Lion, Rite Aid or CVS (all of these competitors' coupons were accepted at our Publix) coupon for $1 off one box of Cheerios. You can use 2 of those coupons because the BOGO is considered 2 items. So that brings the total down to $.50 a box. Wow!


However, now with this atrocity which is EXTREME COUPONING, our Publix only accepts Harveys coupons. They do not consider any of the other stores competitors even though they sell the same items. Now I know that looks like only a $2 loss, but if you by 18 boxes of cereal, like I did yesterday, the new policy costs you a savings of $36. That is a huge chunk! 


I mean really Publix! You netted 1.3 billion dollars last year (according to Jamie my Publix bag boy yesterday;) and that was my best year couponing. So I really don't think your company is hurting all that much. I mean in the great metropolis of Tallahassee there is a dad gum Publix on every corner. I don't think these uncertain economic times are really affecting you all that much.


Anyway, even with the new coupon policy I didn't do to shabby yesterday on my first Publix trip since giving birth a month a go. That being said I did make some rookie mistakes that cost me some savings: 1. I did not print the circular before going, 2. I did not make my list until I got there, 3. I was unable to look for coupons on the items I was purchasing and print them before I left the house, 4. I did not have my coupons organized before getting to the store. As a result of all of these mistakes, I did not save as much as I could have, it took me forever, and there were different points in the store where I broke into a sweat and almost had an anxiety attack because I was having to force my ADHD self to focus. 


So how did I do? Well with all that I spent $118 and saved $129. It is always good when your savings are higher than what you spent. That is your goal. What did I buy? Well...
18 boxes of assorted varieties of Cheerios and Fruit Loops (I am not wasteful we will eat that before summer is up)
12 boxes of Betty Crocker Fruit Chews
2 Kid Shampoos
2 Body Washes
2 cans of biscuits
2 blocks of Cream Cheese
2 packages of Buitonni Ravioli
3 cans of Chef Boyardee Ravioli
2 Dijorno Pizzas w/cookies
4 cans of Campbells soup
1 Bicardi Mixer
1 Whisk Detergent
6 cans of Hormel Chicken
2 packs of Oscar Meyer Deli Ham
2 bottles of Coffee Mate
4 bags of Doritos
Bananas
Blueberries
Vidalia Onions
Granny Smith Apples
Corn on the Cobb


Not half bad! But it could have been sooooooo muuuuuccccchhhh better if it wasn't for that stupid, spawn of Satan Extreme Couponing show!

Heaven Forbid if There is a Real Emergency

Picture it: Cairo...2011


I have just dropped my oldest off at dance (wow how nice it is when they are old enough to be dropped off!). The middle child and I are leaving and heading to our local dance shop to spend a small fortune to ready ourselves for our upcoming recital. I stop at the red light and wait. 


Finally, it turns green, but as I begin to push the gas pedal I notice a tiny puff of smoke come of the top of the transformer beside the red light. Needless to say, the red light went kaput. I proceeded forward by following the rule of four way stop, which any good driver learns about in driving class...or those of us who are not good drivers learn from almost wrecks or impending tickets!


Any who...I continue over the over pass that goes over the railroad tracks only to be met on the other side by another non working red light, but some of these drivers have obviously never taken driver's ed or gotten a ticket or almost gotten a wreck (although I see that happening in their future), because this red light was almost in pandemonium. By pandemonium, I clearly mean (seeing as we are in Cairo, GA) that there were four cars trying to figure out who should go and when. 


So after finally being getting through the stop light, I did what any good citizen and girl who loves drama would do: I dialed 911 to let them know about the power outage. Here is the conversation that followed:


Operator: Grady County 911
Me: Yes I wanted to report that the red lights on 5th street are not working

Operator: Red lights where?

Me: On fifth street

Operator: Where are you on fifth street

Me: I am at the over pass

Operator: Which over pass?

Me: (here is where I start worrying about our county's emergency system) The over pass on 5th 

****Let me interject at this point that there is only one, let me repeat, one over pass in all of Cairo.

Operator: Well...are you on east or west

Me: um....I don't know....I am on the over pass near the high school.

Operator: Which high school?

Me: (SERIOUSLY) Cairo High School (The only high school in Cairo!!!!!!!!)

Operator: Okay, we will dispatch someone

Me: Thank you

After leaving the store, I head home and come to where 5th street intersects with highway 84 (the major road in this small town), and there is still no one at the red lights! I do not blame the police...they probably couldn't figure out where they were being sent due to the lack of clear directions coming across the radio!

Now I am sorry if you are that 911 operator or if she is your sister or aunt or whoever but COME ON. What if I was injured? Or in a wreck? Or being robbed? Or on fire? Heaven forbid if there is a real emergency, because they will never be able to find me!!!